I've never wanted to blog "down" so to speak... that's one of the reasons I haven't posted here. I'm not a good fake happy person. I can manage it from time to time... like at a house party or a resturant dinner, but not here. I've always written from the heart when I post here.
So I thought jeez silly... it's just real life, so what the heck... we all have our woes, and times of trouble, realizing all the while, my problems are petty in comparison to sooooo many other people in the world, this I know and am grateful for.
Of course.. everyones's problems are relative to their own lives and circumstances, and there's no need to apologise for them or the crappy feelings that come along with them. Life has problems! Every single solitary person has their own and can relate to this subject matter. So why not write about it? Why not write from the heart about it...
I feel vulnerable, and humbled... but will bravely and plainly say... this last year has been the hardest yet in my 47 years.
My husband and I have had numerous hardships to deal with, many being crammed down our throats one right after the other, or even at the same time... with numerous challenges to overcome ahead of us. We are having to adjust to many new situations we find ourselves faced with, and we are finally coming around to doing that peacefully.
None of this has been between us personally, we are stronger than ever in spite of our circumstances, and actually more so because of them.
But as one might imagine... the experiences from this past year has often led me down the indigo path quite a ways.... I've been " in the red" emotionally on and off so much and in turn this has left me feeling void creatively, with a lack of inspiration and motivation on many levels.
Not totally without, just not enough to spare or share, if that makes any sense?
Some of you who may read this know this past year I had a very difficult time taking care of two wonderful.....but aging and ailing Jack Russell's that meant the world to me.
At times I was basically house bound with them for numerous reasons and we knew our time to do the right thing for them was coming soon. The thought of having to "schedule" such a thing was more heart wrenching than we could bear.... but all the while knowing that's what we had to do. It's been 9 months and my heart still bleeds everyday...
Cobia dealt with the blindness fairly well at first ,especially for an OCD type of dog. She had cataract surgery and it was successful but only lasted for about 6 months. Poor sweet thing didn't do so well losing her sight the second time, and after about another year she began circle walking alot. But it got worse and soon all she did was walk in tight circles any time she was up. The sweet little soul was just held hostage in her own personal torture chamber and I couldn't bear it for her.
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The sore above her eye was from bonking her noodle over and over in the same spot : (  |
I love my Cobia like crazy mad as well... she was certainly the sweetest natured of them all. (AxL is justa' hot mess) But from the first day I got Dev... I felt something different about her. And I found it the hardest thing for me to do... to fathom the thought of her not being with me anymore.
"Life with a dog named Devil" memoirs might be in my future. Oh! The stories I could tell.... I don't even know the half of them though! She went on so many walk abouts... comin' home bleedin' and what not... I might of even sold my soul to the Devil if that dang dog could have talked : )
Yes... she even pulled the roaster pan off the pantry shelf!! And mind you, these two "pantry parties" where only a couple months before she passed away...crazy sly dog till the end!
Due to her lower spine problems she was slowly losing use of her back legs... this was also slowly causing her more and more discomfort. We managed her pain for about a year... but when it became apparent that there were more bad days than good, we knew what we had to do.
I found myself so angry and bitter at first that this was happening to both of them at them at the same time. Different issues, but both declining together. The decision to euthanize a beloved pet is difficult enough, but to have to do two at the same time... my mind just couldn't process it, I knew my heart wasn't ready for the loss. But we did it, they went together at the exact same time...and I know absolutely with every fiber of my being it was right thing to do. That part I am at peace with.
Here's a poem I wrote about Dev..
With a Heavy Heart
She fell in the pool last night.
It's January.
Her gait isn't what it use to be.
The strapping muscles have left her frame.
It takes 30 minutes and a heating pad to bring calm.
This makes an imprint on my mind...it's getting closer.
You rest at my feet as I write this prose...
You have loved me for 16 years.
You were meant to be mine.
The most sane would not have tolerated your tenacious nature...
you kept me on my toes.
But you give me the purest sense of of unconditional love
I've ever known, and I return it.
I struggle with knowing... that soon... there will be many seconds, of
every hour, of every day, of every year of missing you ahead of me...
But you are my true friend.
You have shown me and given me all the love and strength I need to bear it.
We only had them 4 months after I wrote this and as of two days from today... its been nine months since we lost them and still feels soooo fresh.
We had to leave our dream home and the place they grew up... which cuts deep. We are learning to live in a new strange place with only one of our dogs, but happy to be together....
This year has to turn a corner, personally and creatively.... I know we are going to be better and stronger for all of this, and I know I have art in me!!! Just waiting to spill out...........
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